Friday, September 14, 2007

10 Lessons in 3 Months

Disclaimer: The following article is not for the people awaiting their first employment in next few months. The MBAs in making should stop reading it here. Please don’t forward this article to author’s boss, HR Dept. and all his peers who consider him a threat as they can use the following text against him.

The ideas expressed in this blog are in no way any statement on the state of affairs at the place where the author works. It is purely a work of fiction because the reality is much more gloomy and dour than what has been mentioned below ;-). The writer just intends to have some fun.

Start

It has been three months now since I joined work. The so called “Honeymoon Period” is over since ages. Earlier I used to wonder about this term – Honeymoon Period – why is it called so? What happens in it? I was so na├»ve to think that it is the period in which you get less work to do. Naah! That was a myth. They don’t pay you dough to work less.

So what actually is a “Honeymoon Period”? It is the period that starts from the first day at your job till the day you think, “Oh! My God, where have I landed?” Now this period may last for a day for some to years for a miniscule population. But it definitely gets over one day – the day when the truth dawns upon you, when the skeletons (of HR) come tumbling out from the cupboard. The average length of this period has a strong correlation with the length of the Induction Training program. (For starters, that’s the program where you get free lunches and lot of vision statements and inspirational messages from senior management and when the HR of the companies go gaga over the work culture and blah! blah! – they are so far fetched from the reality)

Anyways let me directly jump to the 10 lessons I have learnt in the last 3 months. These lessons will not help anybody in any manner. They are not any guide to survival in an organization. They don’t provide help to extend the duration of your honeymoon period. These are just few plain truths known to many already which I have realized off late. So let’s get started.

Lesson # 1 – HR never lies, they just put things in perspective. This perspective is the same kind of perspective which makes an inmate in Yerwada Jail believe that he is staying at a beach resort.

Lesson # 2 – The certainty of death is questionable, but taxes are certain. There must be a crash course for every new employee in subject of taxation. I think NAAC should make this course mandatory for MBAs. Hey do they cut same taxes for people working in tax department?

Lesson # 3 – The most important person in your office is not your boss. It is the admin and accounts guy. You have to pamper him / her so that he / she reimburse your expenses on time. Don’t worry BOSSIE; you are the second most important guy in office. Man, you would have done better in accounts department anyways.

Lesson # 4 – If your boss is in the middle management, company should train its middle management. If your boss is in the top management, company’s middle management training is rubbish.

Lesson # 5 – Never complete your work before the deadline given by your boss. Your boss will get an inferiority complex and he will turn into a dastardly homosexual being soon.

Lesson # 6 – Never leave the office earlier than your boss. It ensures that the moron thinks you work hard. Let efficiency go for a toss. You can extend your lunch time or even write such blogs to create an impression of your diligence.

Lesson # 7 – Your boss is always right. If he liked RGV ki AAG, you better go watch it and prepare a presentation titled “Management Lessons – RGV ki AAG.”

Lesson # 8 – If your company gives you a perk don’t feel happy. Just go home and calculate the perk tax. CTC (Cost to Company) is the good looking hero of the story while take home pay is the quintessential villain of the same story.

Lesson # 9 – Complicated Excel Sheets and Power Point presentations are your escape ways in the moment of misery. They may be full of crap but you always get some brownie points for the fact that you tried to do something. They always believe that you will learn through mistakes. Haha! I told you they are far fetched from reality.

Lesson # 10 – If you follow lesson # 6 and write such blogs during office hours, please don’t get caught. I have been caught red handed and thus can’t give more gyan. For more lessons come back soon.

The End

P.S. – I never claimed I am going to write anything original. If you find above lessons too common and well known, that’s not my problem. At least I showed guts to document them. Now let me run for cover!!!